"Hey, high school buddy, this old, abandoned house is the perfect place for us to drink beer and fool around with our girlfriends," said Ted, as he crawled in through an open window.
     "It sure is," said Dave, following behind him. Debbie and Melissa squeezed in and shut the window.
     "I really like that it's out in the middle of nowhere," said Melissa, "where no one can hear our screams of pain."
     "Yeah," said Debbie. "Not that any of us would be screaming in pain, or anything."
     "No, definitely not," said Ted. "Nothing can go wrong tonight."
     "No, nothing like, say, three of us being ripped apart by a hideous monster, and the fourth (probably the girl with the larger breasts) narrowly escaping with her life," said Dave.
     "Yes," said Ted, "that definitely won't happen."
     "LET'S PARTY!!!!!" said Dave and Ted, as they doused themselves in beer.
     "You guys are like, sooooo immature," said Debbie, establishing the somewhat estranged relationship between the boys and their girlfriends.
     "Come on," said Dave to Melissa, "let's go find a bedroom."
     "Wait a second. What's that strange noise coming from the cellar?" Melissa foreshadowed.
     "Oooooooh, it's probably a Big Scary Monster," Dave said sarcastically. "Ooooooh, I'm so scared..." Dave and Ted burst into hysterical laughter and high-fived.
     Just then, a Big Scary Monster came out of the cellar.
     Debbie screamed. "Oh no, it's a Big Scary Monster!!"
     The Big Scary Monster lumbered towards them, making lumbering-towards-them noises. "GRRRRRR!! SNARL!!" said the monster, coming ever closer. It bared its fangs and said, "Don't you think this is kind of a worn-out, tired old scenario?"

     "AAAAAAGGGHH!!! HELP!! OH GOD, SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!" said The Plot.
     "I mean look at at me: a Big Scary Monster, living in the cellar. Boy, that's real original. Come on, give the reader a little credit.
      The Plot screamed, put its hand to its heart and fell over, dead.
     "You're right," said Debbie. "Let's start over with a new scenario."
     "Okay," said the Big Scary Monster. "Let's try this: Say, did you know that beer is bad for you? I am a reformed alcoholic, and I know that drinking was the worst mistake I ever made."
     "Aw, what do you know," said Ted. "You're just a Big Scary Monster."
     "I may be a Big Scary Monster, but I know that alcohol is responsible for over half of all drunk-driving accidents."
     "Who cares? Everybody drinks. Drinking is cool." Despite his apparent indifference, Ted was actually quite moved by the Big Scary Monster."
     "BBBBBBBStillBBBBBBBI'd like toBBBBBgive youBBBBBBBBthis brochureBBBBBBBBBB..."
     Just then, little Billy raised his hand. "Mrs. Morgan? Mrs. Morgan, I think there's something wrong with the projector."
     "Huh? Wah?..." Mrs. Morgan lifted her throbbing head from her desk.
     "I think there's something wrong with the projector," little Billy said again.
     Eric threw a piece of balled up paper at Billy and said, "Shut up, you nerd."
     "Wait a second," said Mrs. Morgan. "Don't you think this is a terribly clichéd scenario? I mean there's the bright, young student who is ostracized simply for wanting a good education, and then there's me, the obviously hung-over substitute teacher who ironically is presenting an anti-drinking film. How corny can you get?"
     "I agree. Let's change it," the Big Scary Monster said and promptly ripped Mrs. Morgan into tiny, bite-sized morsels. "Boy, this substitute teacher certainly is delicious! Would you care to try some, Billy?"
      "Yes, thank you," Billy said, and took a bite. "Wow, it's so rich and creamy; it must be loaded with calories!"
     "Nope! Substitute teachers have half the calories of regular teachers, and they're higher in fiber, too!"
     "Great taste and nutrition? I think I'm in love!"
     "Uh, I hate to interrupt," said Eric, "but this is the worst one yet. May I give it a try?"
     "Please do," said the Big Scary Monster.
     The studio audience cheered. "Today on a very special 'Eric,' we will be talking to Big Scary Monsters Who Reappear Unexpectedly And Eat Substitute Teachers. Thank you for coming, Big Scary Monster."
     "It's a pleasure to be here."
     "Now, let's take a call. Caller, you're on the air."
     "Yeah," said the caller, "I'd just like to say that if my big scary monster reappeared after he had already been established as a fictional character in an anti-drinking film, I'd be bustin' his head!!"
     The audience clapped and hollered. "You tell him, girl!" someone yelled.
     "Okay," said Eric. "Now, I understand that as well as being a Big Scary Monster, you are also one of the many Men Who Love Women Less Than They Love Other Men Who Love Them More Than Women Who Love Themselves. Tell us about your relationship with your wife."
     "Well Eric," said the Big Scary Monster, "the first few years of my marriage were great. But then my wife started spending more and more time with the food processor."
     "Did you confront her about this?"
     "Yes." The Big Scary Monster's lower lip began to tremble. "She said... she said she really liked processed food."
     "Well, that's all the time we have. Tomorrow on 'Eric,' we will be talking to Large Breasted Girls Who Narrowly Escape Being Killed In Abandoned Houses By Big --"
     "Shut up."
     "Okay."

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